There are some things I don't even want to pretend to understand. Why my sister loves interior decorating. Why my cat eats but puts his tail in the water bowl that's near his food. Why the café owned by a Dark Hunter serves all species. I really don't want to even pretend to understand half this shit. Nor do I want to understand why Tobias, the were-leopard who has come to adopt me as his human pet of sorts is beneath my sheet, lurking as ominously as a cockroach preying on unsuspecting insect-fearing humans. I'm not going to even try and pretend like this is normal, or even something I would appreciate on a regular basis. Regardless of any of that, I couldn't help the slew of probably racial curses that were harshly spat as I scrambled to sit upright and get a good look at the leopard's probably now unamused face.

I watched in mock-horror as he clawed his way up my bed, looking ever the oversized kitten he probably was at heart. What the fuck was the lunatic thinking? Was this normal behavior in his world? All I could imagine was a herd of munchkin cats with their tiny little legs flocking around in a field chasing bugs and that was the reality that Tobias lived in. The munchkins didn't obey the laws of gravity, they didn't really do anything realistic to be honest. Surely that was what the man thought of and how he governed himself; I don't care if it's not rational, Tobias isn't. Why should I have to be? Groaning, I lifted a pillow to consequently and valiantly smack the feline with. He deserved a feathered swat for being an early morning alarm clock perpetrator!

"They have punishments for man-cats like you, y'know. Wake me up again, I'll pretend to have an exotic pet license and bring you to a vet and get you neutered."

Ah, the power of punishment and cruelty. Granted on this one PETA would surely have a problem but for fucks sake, and for the sake of my over dramatic indulgence, it sounded good when it left my lips. Better put the fear of ball-cutters in the man-cat's mind... hold up, would he even get it? Did he comprehend English when he was in his feline form? Those questions were a little too much as I was groggy and making futile attempts to get coherent enough to get up and get dressed and find my way along my morning.

"How do you expect me to do anything laying across my bed like you're Mufasa and this is pride rock?"

Clearly, the heathen feline has decided to become my personal alarm clock or even secretary as he's gotten up quickly and headed (beeline) for the kitchen where I'm supposed to magically make something that will please the Majestic Tobias. This is a particularly frustrating task when my eyes are blurry and I'm wandering into the closet with a t-shirt stuck over my head, and consequently crashing a little into the wall barring me from the clothes I'm attempting to put on. Graciuosly, Tobias as returned with some kind of prize after there's a crash in the kitchen and corresponding trotting foot falls towards my room.

"Fuck."

Disgruntled, I wriggle into my t-shirt and manage to spin around to see what was my toaster dangling from the feline's jaws. What the fuck am I supposed to do with it laying aimlessly on the floor in my room? Too bedraggled to be much use to the feline or to the dead toaster, I sigh and sort of shrug it off.

".. is metal a delicacy where you're from, you feral mongrel?"

There's a hint of amusement in my voice as I berate him, only to slip on a pair of shoes that will signal the feline it's time to head out to the shop that I've mistakenly allowed (...hm, that he's mistakenly dubbed his own private Idaho) before following the man-cat out of my bedroom when there is a mysterious silence at my destination. I probably should have been moderately concerned as to what the man-cat was doing and what he was trying to hide by being quiet, but ... at this point? I've stopped really caring. It was only as I neared the kitchen and saw several tails haphazardly poking past the corner that I realized there was something more devious going on in that silence and it involved not only Tobias but the other variety of felines that had taken up residence in my house.

"You're going to give them all the shits. You're cleaning it up you liability, you!"

Church, Monk, Temple, and Mosque all looked up at my voice penetrated their sanctuary of kitty biscuit eating. Church seemed to preen, sighing with a glint in his eye that surely said 'none for you' before he lowered his head to eat more. Monk wiggled her tail as if she was merely pleased I'd come to join, the white feline batting a biscuit towards me. Temple, on the other hand, a pretty ginger lady feline didn't bother to look up, munching ravenously. Mosque, the Siamese gentleman nearest to me ditched the food to wander over as if agreeing with Tobias that I should be greeted.

"Alright you evil subjects, get fat. What do I care," I muttered, reaching for a bagel to put in the ... fuck. The toaster.