...walk away while you still can

Ready to spend the next 60 years of my life without you? Who's ever going to be ready for that? his voice echoes clearly, almost as if had whispered it to my ear. every day of my life ever since my last goodbyes, carry every word and image of them. waiting in the back of my mind for their turn to come forward. each time to relive every pain but still , there was also to be left in awe. Every one of their faces, warm and gentle. then there was his face, he as more importance then the breathes i take each morning of my life. it does truly this saddens me, because im not sure i will ever see them again. 4 years had already passed in between timelines of my sleep and my rebirth of some kind. i had been fragile but not without a heart able to love all. i didn't want to live one life alone and miserable. it's even harder to think how my friends though i would enjoy a life of solitude. wanting a normal life for me was one thing, but leaving me completely was hurtful.

I did try at some point to try and let go. meeting new people and trying to find a place where i could belong. i failed miserable, only because heart already had a home. in his arms, that's where i felt i would always belong. the world could have turn sour, burning and dying. but i would have felt ok in his embrace, dying or alive. He was a big part of my life and i couldn't just turn the page. dear lord had i tried so hard, then i had slowly slumbered into sustenance. I couldn't find a way to numb the pain, to stop my heart from thrashing in my chest. At some point Klaus got sick of seeing me ruin my life and he decided to help. he had sent his girl with his daughter to find him, to try and salvage what ever was still life of me. i stayed most of the day huddled in a corner, surrounded by bottles crying when i could.

The same words kept running along her mind, they abandoned me. it felt like it, because no one sent letters or any explanations. just pure silence when i though this day was suppose to be the best one. After so long the only thing i though was seeing his eyes, loosing myself into them. to finally let my heart be, just be filled by pure happiness. i take a look down to my Sketch, i had totally stopped when i was thinking. i could feel my lips rise just the slightest to give surely a small smile, sad but still it held happiness.My room was filled with sketches, some of her friends but most of him. i kept all those i did of him, his face, them anything that kept his memory alive and eased a bit the pain.

It was odd i felt my skin raise up in goosebumps, but it wasn't cold? but then i understood that my body had betrayed his arrival. "Still Doing Portraits Or Did You Move Onto Landscapes?" his voice ran through me like thunder.the static humming under my skin and i couldn't come to believe he was there. i closed my eyes for a brief moment, taking in a breath and holding it before turning my head. all the air i had accumulated just was pushed out from me. his face adorned with a smile, i was breathless. i blinked a few times before i completely understood his words. i tossed my sketch book flat against the bench hiding the image, probably to late. i put down my crayons with shaky hands, my body was a complete mess thanks to him.

I found it ironic that all this time i put so much effort in finding him. then he is here and i can't find the right words to say. i had played all the scenarios in my head on my way here. I had gotten down to every one, a way of acting and the right words to say. here i was baffled and unable to say anything or even to move. the fact he did not embrace me like he use to, meant something was clearly not like before. trying to be stronger then what my body wanted to do, my stomach turning over in stress. i put my legs down, getting up gracefully before turning to him completely. i felt heavy, like gravity was pulling at me, to him but i resisted. i wasn't going to throw myself into his arms. even if it took every once of self control i held to keep me from doing it. he did not deserve any affection from me, for leaving me in the dark. didn't i deserve at least a note goodbye? after what i did for him and vise versa, he owed me atleast a note.

Even if i played tough, that i didn't care it was a lie. i could feel the corner of my lips tug, letting a radiant smile raise to its peek. who was i lying, i still loved him and i had never stopped. the love that consumes me, passion, adventure and even a little danger. he was everything i had ever wanted, it had excited me the way he was good and bad for me. i knew i had changed him and i was going to hold on to that. i then risk it "Both damon" , his name rolled off my tongue. i wasn't sure how i was suppose to act, what to say but i had to try. "How long have you been here?" i try to act gentle, even if inside there was a tornado of emotions. a tidal wave of questions roll into my mind, wanting closure and yet i din't want that. i wanted everything he was back, right down to the wrong things.

Deep down a sulking feeling told me, that was never going to be. but that hope had kept me alive and it had made me want a forever rather then one life time. i should have never been human , i should have just stayed. But i though we wanted the same thing but i came to realize that all that, was for me and not him. his words felt like lies, burning each letter on my heart. it was all my fault because when i said i wanted him to be happy, now i wanted to take it back. because now i knew what i lost, what i maybe could never have again. i refuse to find love, because he was the one. just like his words were a chant "I'll always choose you" and a tattoo i had gotten for myself, on my right rib cage, closer to my breast in a dream catcher water paint design. Right now it felt like it was burning on my skin, my heart barely able to settle down.

""

Elena Salvator