I will

rise up

in spite of the ache

The very notion that he wouldn't hate yachts if Sterling was still with him was absurd. It wasn't like he could turn off the triggers. "That's now how PTSD words you fuck." Regardless of his relationship status, yachts were triggering. What Tet may not realize was ANY boat was triggering. Any boat made him feel trapped as if he would have nowhere to escape to should he lose himself again. "I don't get to choose when to lose my shit. Believe me, I wish I could." He wished that he could just turn off that part of his brain entirely, the part that was so scared of enclosed spaces with no way out. "Any place without a way out is triggering. Boats, yachts, airplanes, even being on a fucking island. But yachts are more so than anything else." He didn't think the man before him cared a lick about him anyway. Never once did he try to offer any sort of help or support through the dark times that tortured him at night. Never once did Tet come when Henry awoke screaming from a nightmare. Never did he offer any sort of moral support or hell...just a place to vent. Never. So doing this on his own only made it even more difficult. "Whether or not he and I are together has no bearing on what that night has done to me. I can't change the damage that was done." No amount of therapy or medication or service animals could help. What Henry suffered from was something incurable. He could only hope that one day, the man before him might just realize how much the man was struggling. Just once he might see that Henry wasn't being dramatic. Yes, the broke up hurt...but his fear of this physical place went beyond any relationship he may or may not have.

But as if the man before him didn't understand him enough, he went on to try to explain that he could have anything he wanted. He could live anywhere he wanted. So the other still questioned why he was here. Sure, he had the money to buy the best penthouse or a mansion on a hill. His resources were overflowing. But it wasn't money or houses or goods that Henry craved. "You're right. I could easily afford someplace else to stay. But no amount of money can give me what I need." He sighed as he took another sip of the liquid in the glass. He finished off the liquor before pouring himself the last of the bottle. He tossed it into the trash, the sound of glass breaking filing the awkward silence. "I don't have a family. Sterling used to be that family. All I have is this pack." He wasn't buddy-buddy with a lot of the people in the pack, but he still considered them family. "...but it's hard to be a family when that family only hangs out in this very establishment makes me question if I can truly go on." He wasn't sure if Tet would ever truly understand the struggles he was experiencing. He would never understand the underlying desire to be a part of something. And yet...the something he wanted to desperately to be a part of was constantly in the one place that made him feel as though he wanted to end his life here and now. "It doesn't exactly make being social easy. When I'm constantly trying to fight with myself to not lose my shit when I step into this place." Maybe Tet truly didn't care. Maybe he was wasting his breath.

In this moment, Henry was being vulnerable. He was trying to express that he wanted to be a better pack member. He wanted to be apart of this family. And yet...this very boat made that infinitely harder. It wasn't something he could just overcome. That's not how mental illness worked. It was a constant battle, a constant struggle. What Tet might not understand was that it was so very hard to do these things when he had zero support from the family he wanted so badly to be apart of.

He finished the glass, setting it down softly when Tet told him that him being as asshole was only going to be accepted for so long. "I don't mean to be a dick, Tet. But maybe once you consider the struggle I'm going through, you might offer me a little grace. It's not as easy as simply turning off a light." Maybe he would never understand the struggle that Henry dealt with daily. Maybe he would never be offered the grace or help he needed. "Me showing the fuck up ever night to attempt to sleep here is trying. It's going to take time to move past my issues. Doing it on my own makes it take so much fucking longer. I can only hope that one day you might understand that." He wanted to be the productive member that Tet wanted him to be. But he couldn't be that person until he somehow managed to control his demons. Maybe Tet didn't believe him. Maybe he thought it was all horse shit. But just maybe, just maybe if he started to believe that Henry was telling the truth, then just maybe the relationship between vector and maker could begin to mend.

Henry Tudor

I will rise a thousand times again