to know when to be soft and gentle, to know when to be water, to know when to burn, to know when I am heading too intensely in one direction - figuring, always figuring, always looking out and asking and oh, but everything I'm looking for is always so close to my heart and I keep fighting it. wedged somewhere like an extra rib yes all of this. I don't want to let this city make me cruel and unforgiving, can't lose sight of the dreamy notions that got me here in the first place. maybe I'm afraid because I know what I want and know that I'll get it all eventually, because I am so hopeful and nervous and excited and keep catching myself almost-crying when my body's too distracted doing other things: dishes, walking, trying to sleep, taking up space. I don't want to be strong if it means I can't be weak and vulnerable too, but maybe that's what all this being human is. maybe allowing myself to be as human as possible is gonna make me burn out fast. i can't wait to move into the forest and wear cotton pants and grow things and learn how to shut my mouth. I am too fucking full of myself sometimes I need to get out of my head.