Frost physical damage was not as destructive as his psychological attacks. She felt foolish for truly believing that she would be safe. Ever since she left her home things have actually turned out well for her. She had gained herself a few friends, accidentally became a familiar, and became a full-fledged member in a pack. She even found herself a companion that she had rather whole-heartedly enjoyed being around, the invisible string between them tightening as they continued to achieve small steps in along their relationship journey. All of these things seemed quite impossible to ever come true, and yet, they did and she was extremely grateful. Raven should have known there would have been a speed bump, there would have been something to occur that would cause the happy she-wolf to return to her reclusive self. The way she survived her abusive pack was keeping to herself and remaining in the only place she knew she would be safe â€" her cage. The bedroom she shared with Tobias in the Ark was her new cage and she was sure that she would not be harmed her. Keeping to herself was what kept her alive after she experienced a traumatic attack. No one within the pack would understand why she returned to a side of herself that hadn't been seen by any of them. Nadya and Tetradore had given her space, but it was Tobias that tried...and even if she didn't act it â€" she was appreciative of his kind gestures. Yet she was depressed and all the things she would do with Tobias didn't seem as enjoyable as they once had been, food did not taste as good, and the need to go outside seemed unnecessary. No one seemed to realize that she needed some help, except Tobias, and sadly he may not have the necessary techniques to pull Raven out of her rebuilt shell.

Touch was an extremely sensitive thing for her. Spending time with Tobias and Alexis provided her the chance to experience positive touches, trusting that those she were around would not harm her. In her former pack she was used to touch bringing pain and she did her best to stay far from others. Frost and his attack had shattered her body and with her inability to heal well and the heavy set of second and third degree frostbite â€" it did her no good should she experience touch at all. She had longed to return Tobias' touches, but he was rough and no matter how hard he tried to gently caress her she would flinch experiencing the sharp tingling of pain. He may have not noticed, but it was sadness that would appear on her mauled façade when she would flinch and he would turn away and stop. She wanted to tell him to keep going, she wanted to tell him it was okay, but she could not hold back the soft cry that would come. She knew eventually her body wouldn't be so sensitive to touch. It would take some time until her nerves were settled and correct after the frostbite's damage. She could not heal like her kind and she knew it would take longer than usual, but she wanted things to go back to normal just as much as he wanted. She enjoyed it when he would lie beside her in bed and she would try to brush up against him, to feel that warmth, to get close to him in the only way she could tolerate, but she would feel him stiffen and shuffle slightly away. It pained her, but she didn't say anything thinking perhaps he was trying not to hurt her.

Though with her shoulder leaning into his own she sighed in content her eyes closing halfway enjoying this extremely rare touch not feeling pain at all. Her fingers wrapped in his own, holding his hand, she felt the familiar wave of warmth coming from him and this small gesture was enough to satisfy her, even if she wanted more. His purr was like music to her ears, but when he leaned away from her she let go of his hand as she looked at him puzzled. Her explanation for part of her behavior seemed to trouble him. His broken and fractured words are met with a single nod assuring the boy that what he said was correct. Yet it would seem that he did not understand her. She knew he was not right directly outside the Ark, but he was out there somewhere...and he could hurt her. Easily and she did not want to put herself in such a vulnerable position. He may not see it that way, but she knew fairly quickly that she was the weakest link within the pack and thought it was best if she kept herself out of harm's way. It wasn't ideal, but keeping herself locked away did the job. As he continues to declare Frost's presence was not nearby she would simply nod, letting him know she at least heard what he said, but her eyes widened slightly when she noticed his dark eyes narrowing on her. It was not hard to feel the sudden anger rising within him, but she remained still knowing how to deal with his tantrums. But she was still tired and unable to tolerate as much as she used to be, her own patience slowly running thin. He wasn't the only one that was frustrated with her...she too was frustrated with herself. His yelling caused the girl to shrink back slightly her hands rising from her lap, her palm exposed showing she was not being threatening. Softly she speaks attempting to explain herself and calm him down.

"I know and I am sorry about that. When I am afraid, when I think I am in danger...I hide, because I think I will be safe. I'm sorry for being weak...but I tried...I'm not like you or the others...I am not strong or brave."

Those palms that were exposed to Tobias would change as her fingers nervously began to form a knot. She was not one that responded very well to being yelled at. Never before had Tobias actually yelled at her. Sure he got upset with her over tiny and trivial things, but it would seem he was extremely frustrated and that this would not be a normal tantrum. Her head would tilt down as her curly golden-brown locks would block the side of her eye. She was not aggressive. By any means she was actually quite a calm being, but just like Tobias she did not have a healthy control on her own emotions. She kept them most of the time locked away having outbursts every now and then. Her eyes would shift upwards when she noticed how he stood, his arms folded, and for a moment she could actually feel his harsh glare. As he begins to list all she had done wrong she did nothing, but nod slightly in agreement. She knew what she did wrong, but she wasn't sure how much she could explain to him to allow him to understand. She did not mean to anger him so and yet...she had. She was ready to apologize again and yet it was his choice of words that seemed to set the fuse to the ticking time bomb she had hid so well. She had been a bad girlfriend? He was the one that had wronged her first...and she never got after him for it. She went still for a moment her hands grabbing the top of her knees as she squeezed her knees trying to keep herself calm, and yet she could not hold it in any longer. His hissed out words caused her head to snap up as her blue-grey eyes narrowed. With a stern frown on her face she launched herself upwards standing now at the side of the bed as she placed her hand on her waist, raising her head and as she presented herself to him in her full height.

"Yes, I am a stupid girl...a stupid girl that tries to be with you. You may not hear the comments within the Ark, but I hear them whisper and mutter that I am a stupid girl for being with you...that I am not safe being around you...and that I will end up dead because of you."

Her words were hissed out slowly holding back her own anger as she attempted to make sure he heard every single word she spoke. He may be able to block out the harsh whispers and snide looks, but she had to listen and see it all. At first it was a bit challenging, but over time she had figured out how to ignore their looks and harsh criticism wanting nothing more than to prove them wrong, but more importantly, she wanted to remain at his side â€" because he had chosen her when no one else did. Taking a few steps forward she kept her head high as she glared at the boy finding his attempts of acting childish rather annoying.

"I hear them say I am smart and you are the stupid one, but I do not think you are stupid...you are different, and there is nothing wrong with that. I liked you because you were different...the others do not try to help you, but I do. I show you how everyone works...I explain things to you...things that everyone should know, but you don't...but I try...I always try, because I want to make you feel like you belong...you asked me to, remember?"

Once again her vehement tone slithered out harshly as she kept her speech slow purposely so that the boy would grasp and understand, being mindful that his ability to process words was not typical. She remembered when he was sitting in the streets, clapping his hands and grabbing the lights that only he could see while the others spoke that he was ill and he needed some help. She told one couple off when she got up close to him, reaching her hand out for his, accepting his odd antics as nothing to worry about. He had asked her that day to help him understand...to help him be like the others, and she accepted the challenge...a challenge no one else seemed to take. With one hand still resting on her hip she would thrust her arm out in his direction as her index finger pointed at him accusingly as she began to raise her voice, her locked up temper and pain from his actions beginning to boil and spill out.

"You are the bad boyfriend. You had children with Nadya! We were in a relationship...that means you only see one girl and I only see one boy â€" that does not mean you get to have sex with another girl. But you did....and you had children with her. That hurt me Tobias â€" that hurt me and it still does! I'm the stupid girl that stayed at your side...while others pointed behind your back...their words hissing that I am an idiot for staying with you...I stayed."

Blue-grey eyes remained narrowed as she began to fold her arms across her chest. Her entire body beginning to shake from furry or sadness it just could not be said. Unlike Tetradore she had not allowed herself the moment to ponder and accept the fact that her boyfriend had children with another in the same pack. She blamed Nadya for this, believing that the girl should have been capable of understanding the consequences of particular actions...but that Tobais would actually go on ahead and continue such things after he had declared them 'dating' with a particular date fruit...she assumed he at least understood the agreements to relationships. But she should have known better and she could only blame herself, but at this time she was not focusing on her anger at him and not at herself. Her teeth were clenched as she continued to berate him.

"When Tetradore ignored you...when Teradore didn't spend time with you...when he didn't feed you, when he didn't give you attention or allow your presence with his own....I took you in. I fed you. I gave you all the attention you could ever want...I allowed you in our room and I allowed you to sleep at my side. I comforted you...and yet you do not care...you did not see....I was there for you when he wasn't. I was angry with you....because you hurt me...but I didn't yell at you...I didn't ignore you....I was nice to you."

She didn't have to be nice to him. She had every right to ignore him and isolate herself from him, but she didn't do that at all. She kept him entertained and fed the boy. She did this so that he would have someone, but also so her own Alpha could have time to adjust. She even kept him busy with her presence so that Nadya had time to cope with her situation. Raven had no idea what it was like to be pregnant, but she at least wanted to give the jaguar the time to adjust and accept the changes that were to come. She allowed everyone else a break from Tobias even though she needed one for herself. Once again her weakness to put herself in harms way in order to spare others, had taken affect that time. Shaking her head she would try to hold back the hot tears that threatened to fall as she slowly listed out the color wheel to Tobias...even with her anger she was helping him understand in a way that he could.

"I'm green Tobias...I am jealous that I can never ever provide you children, I am jealous that I can never be seen as anything good to you. I am blue Tobias...I am sad that I am hurting and I don't know how to fix it. I am sad that you don't see me trying...to do better. I am grey...that means I am depressed...and depressed means that it is hard for me to do fun things with you, because I am so very sad and hurt. Being depressed means that I want to do nothing...I just want to sleep...I don't want to eat, I am always tired....I feel worthless. But I am trying to be white...I am being patient with you as best as I can but I am extremely red right now...I am angry with you."

With a frustrated sigh she shakes her head as she brings one of her hands to pull some of her golden-brown locks out from her eyes. The tears that had strung the corner of her eyes seemed to decrease as she looked the boy square in the eye. Daring him almost to say that everything she said was wrong. She had done things that perhaps no normal girl would have ever done for such a unique boy and yet she was willing to give him a chance...always, because unlike anyone else hehe was the first one to ever give her a chance. He may not know it, but he had given her a rare opportunity to learn how to connect with another, how to care for another, and how to love another....these things and so much more were things she had never experienced before in her older pack. Her tone is a bit softer than before, but it remained firm as she again spoke in a slower manner giving her deviant companion the chance to understand.

"So, tell me Tobias...am I truly the bad girlfriend here? While everyone else in the world thinks you are stupid, while everyone else thinks you are worth nothing and while your most trusted friend ignored you for a long time....when you had no one else to turn to...I was always there for you."

Turning away from him she brought her arms across her chest as she stood there with her back towards him. Her head began to tilt low as she continued to shake again unable to control the emotions that overwhelmed her. Her weakness to be aware and experience others strong emotions was quite an overwhelming factor. Tobias and his own inability to control his emotions had somehow conflicted with her own handle to the emotions that seemed to continue to overwhelm her in this moment. With a heavy sigh she whispered gently, that firm tone replaced with a more somber, wounded, but honest tone.

"I never abandoned you Tobias...I never left...I was always here."

I'd Rather Feel Pain Then Nothing At All

Raven