I feel dirty, like hours of soaking in a tub won't wash this off of me. He KISSED me. That damn guy kissed me. I hate him. I hate Frost with a passion I've never felt toward anyone in my life, not even my father. He beat me black and blue, left me to die with broken ribs and fractured pelvis and broke all my limbs at any one point in my life time and yet I never hated him with this kind of ferocity. But Frost...the things he said, the things he does for enjoyment. He is a monster. I knew why my father hurt me. He blamed me for my mother's death. I took her from him and he took it out on me. I could understand that, pity it even. But Frost? There is no room in my soul for pity when it comes to him. He just does the things he does because he can and because he likes it.

He enjoys the power of making others hurt. He liked making Raven so listless and frozen that day when I met Claire and he liked making that hunter convulse on the ground because it brought him that same sense of power. And then he made me kill him. He threatened to make the hunter suffer. I'd already watched him make the hunter seize and then make boils on his face in mere seconds. He could burn the man from the inside out or make him slowly freeze to death. The man was in constant agony and he didn't care. He enjoyed himself the whole time. But he threatened me to kill the man quickly or he would make him suffer and so I did what I thought would be the better of two evils. I gave the man a quick death instead of the fate Frost had in store for him but in the meantime, I killed a human being. I would say innocent but there's no telling how many wers the hunter killed that didn't deserve it. He was after me and I was just on my way to work.

I hope Alexander doesn't get mad at me or fire me for not showing up on my first day. I know I'll have to make it up to him, explain what happened, though of course not the exact story. I don't think I could ever tell anyone what happened. To say that I killed someone is just too much. Wouldn't that be admitting that I'm just as bad as Frost? Would that make me a monster too? I'm a murderer. I put an arrow through the hunter's heart. I did it out of mercy but still, I did it. Frost didn't pull back the arrow and release it. I did. That was all me. The guilt weighs on my heart but the worst part is that I don't mourn the loss of the hunter. He was going to kill me. He was aiming that arrow at me and he would have released it without hesitation and I would be dead. But instead he is because of me. I don't feel bad about him being dead but I hate myself for killing him and I hate Frost for talking me into doing it.

When I hear someone coming toward me, I stiffen, immediately thinking he came after me. Like he hasn't tortured me enough for one day. I look up, teasrs still falling down my cheeks. I shifted at some point in my crying, curling myself up in the corner as small as I can make myself, using my tail as a buffer to hide my eyes so I can cry in mostly silence. When I hear the whimper though, I recognize the voice instantly and I lift my head, ears pricking toward the large wolf coming my way.

"No it's...I'm what's wrong, Raven. I'm bad. I did a bad thing today. I'm a monster."

It just comes out of me because know if anyone would understand, it would be her. She did terrible things in her feral state and she has that to blame but not me. I was in my right mind when I killed that hunter. Would she be able to forgive me? Then I wonder if I shouldn't have said anything, if I should have made something else up or told her I was fine. Of course she wouldn't believe that I was fine but maybe I could have said something else. Then I'd be lying to my best friend. What kind of person am I becoming? My ears flick back to my head.

"I'll be fine. I just needed some time to...think."

I try to convinve her that she needn't stay to comfort me. I don't deserve it.

alexis wilde