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My own form of CHAOS


Posted on August 29, 2022 by Damon Marcello
Residences


Ever since that first day on that park bench at a concert, I found myself changing little by little for her. I hid the darkest corners of my thoughts from her for the longest time, fearing what she would do if she knew who I truly was, WHAT I was. Yet since then, I'd shown her glimpses of that darkness and still, she held on. Isolt was the strongest woman I'd ever met, and now I didn't know how to fix her. I didn't know how to make it right again. All I knew was that I couldn't live without her. I couldn't let her go. I would never deem to harm the woman before me and yet seeing that look in her eyes was like looking into those of a stranger. It was like she thought I would actually bite her or use my powers against her. My own gaze softened at the very thought. Silently, I pleaded with her to understand, to recognize me once again as the man who loved her, the monster who would truly do anything for her.

And yet all I saw was my beloved peeling her own lips back, fangs extended in challenge. Never had she looked at me like this, and I could only pray that she never would again. It turned my blood to ice to know that that anger was directed at me. If looks could kill, I was sure I would have just met my true death. I could still feel her fingers twisting in my shirt and I welcomed it in this moment. All the anger, all the fight. At least it was better than her giving up. I would take the bites, the scratches, the punches. I would take all the pain, if only it would take some away from her. And yet as her fingers started to slacken, my eyes widened in worry, thinking she was going backwards again, back to the depressed shell of a woman. Suddenly her head lowered and she pressed it into my chest. I didn't care about the warmth of the blood that was now staining my shirt. My arms instinctively wrapped around her, holding her close as she admitted that she didn't know what to do. A soft sigh fell from my own lips in defeat, knowing I was just as lost for answers.

As she began to sob, I felt my heart breaking all over again. It was like I couldn't breathe, like I was suffocating as a human would. I felt helpless, like I should be doing something, but all I could think of to do was just keep holding her. Her next words shook me, and yet I couldn't help but think a selfish thought back in reply and for once, I was glad she couldn't read thoughts. She ached for her child, wanting to be her mother again, wanting our daughter not to be alone wherever she was...and all I could think about was "what about me?" I'd never been afraid to be alone before. In fact, I preferred it. I can't count how many times I tried to ditch my own brother so I could live in peace, or so I told myself. When had I become so dependent on another? When did I become so pathetic? I didn't dare utter those words I was thinking though. I only licked my lips and held her a little tighter, unable to bring forth the right words to comfort her.