They call it the theory of everything.

It means that everything has a reason and a purpose and a place. Everything happens because it should and that our choices, no matter how we make them or how we come about them, are predetermined. You can't change fate. Just as you can't change the past. Everyone in our life is here for a reason, we meet them for a reason, even if we don't always know what it is. I believe that. A part of me does anyway. Not that anyone would know. I think I managed an almost rueful smile at that. I say 'think' became I'm not entirely sure I am smiling. Maybe I am. I hope I am. Raven isn't awake to tell me. It is a truly rare thing for me to be in charge though and I don't think I want to waste it wondering whether or not I've managed to smile at the darkness. I slid away from Raven as best I could, leaving her to roll back into the warmth of the space I left, leaving her to sleep. She would be cross with me, I think, for not waking her and yet if the only kindness I can afford her is a peaceful sleep then I hardly have the heart to stir her from it. She deserves that much. At least from me. I've taken everything else from her and perhaps if I were a better man I would have the courage to let her go, to let her find someone deserving of her, someone to give her the life she truly should have. I, however, am not a better man. Neither of us are. I have no intention of letting go of the most important thing I have. I frowned slightly, one hand moving to pull the blanket up and over her- covering her shoulders to prevent the cold from biting at her.

It was strange to have my mind so clear. Why it happened, why tonight, I don't know. It won't last. It never does. I already know that. Far too many take sanity as if it is a right- when in fact it is a gift, a beautiful and exquisite gift. They don't understand, not always, how hard I try to tell them what I think, how desperately I try to make them see how I feel. Raven is perhaps the most patient, the most understanding and yet in his own way Aiden is equally so. Nadya is perhaps the least and yet she too has her moment's kindness and I understand each of them all the same. Perhaps more then they realise. After all- there is little I do not see, even if I cannot always say it. I tucked my hands into the pockets of my jeans, bare feet brushing the wooden floor. My feet were cold, the realisation of no shoes seeing the dark of my gaze drift downward to wonder briefly what had happened to them before some internal voice assured me that I....didn't like them. It was logical and illogical all at once and yet for tonight I hardly bothered to wonder about it as I opened the bedroom door, shutting it quietly behind me, pausing to make sure Raven did not stir from within as I wandered across the landing.

My descent down the steel stairs was far more silent, the fight rings abandoned and cast in shadow and yet even vacant as they were I could very near hear the sounds of the crowd and the hisses and spits of Aiden beside me. That I lived for. It is far easier to be animal rather than man. Animals do not have morals, they do not debate them. Only humans do that and in the end they argue only with each other about them when I'm not entirely sure that is sensible. We are wrong and right based only on our belief of wrong or right. It's a terribly biased system. Being animal is easy. I like that. Yet being human is a privilege I miss. I let my fingers trace along the edge of the ropes, heading for the bow of the ship now, suddenly seeking the outside air, the space, the freedom- everything Aiden and I had been denied when we lived with the vampire woman with the angry voice. I shook my head, the wind outside pushing back the thick black of my hair, one hand reaching up to run through it and clear it from my face, black t-shirt billowing loosely. I strode right to the end of the boat, leaning against the rail, peering down to the dark water below. Even now and from this distance it....chilled me to look at it. Nothing about it was welcoming or inviting, my instinct warning me back from it- so I turned my gaze upward instead and onto the horizon. It was not quite dawn just yet. Soon.

I wondered how long I truly had left of this precious sanity, before being forced to return to, well, the truth of who I really was I suppose. I am merely fortunate to have companions who care enough, in their own separate ways. They are not like the others, ha, so many others who look at me and believe they know what is best, how I can be helped. One must look into hell before one has any right to speak of heaven- and there are none who have seen the hell of my mind enough to dare offer me a remedy save those of my own pack.

A sudden sound from somewhere behind me saw my head turn, thoughts evaporated as my dark gaze fell on Raven shadowed in the doorway. She must have followed me, else the wind had blown the door open. Careless of me, though my lips pulled upwards all the same, reflecting a smile towards her within the darkness before my attention returned to the horizon once more.

"You should go back to bed Raven, it's cold up here."

madness, as you know, is like gravity: all it takes is a little push